Most coaches now know the power of “soft skills” and finding connections with players.
I’ve just read Coaching Athletes to Be Their Best, which argues that connections are crucial to dealing with the extreme emotions we feel in sport. No matter why you are a coach, you almost certainly want players who are motivated, resilient to setbacks, improving their skills and working as a team.
But more than the game itself, genuine connections with and between players creates an intrinsic enjoyment that we all need as humans. This is enormously satisfying regardless of game performance.
Whatever your own motivations as a coach, connection is critical.
So how do we get there? Here’s what the author, Stephen Rollnick, suggests.
Listen
Listening - really listening - is a skill. You all expect players to listen when you coach. If they can do it, you can. You need to be a world-class listener right back.
This is counter-intuitive. It’s common to assume the coach is the person with the answers telling the player what to do. However, when we are connecting it’s a conversation not a lecture. A dance not a wresting match. You can’t tell someone what they think and feel, only listen to it.
Your instinct may be to try and fix problems. You might feel judgement over player’s commitment, motivations or coachability. You could feel the urge to take control of the situation and sort it out.
Don’t.
Listen instead.
Ask a question then listen to what players say. Try and work out what they think and feel. It’s not hard when you are focused. But it is hard to focus.
The question doesn’t have to be clever or deep. It can be to do with the game or something else. “How are you” might be enough for a general chat or you might think of something more specific like “What do you think about the match?”. The point is, be open, focused and ready for the reply.
The goal is to be genuinely interested in and curious about the human in front of you. No ulterior motive.
Reflect
If you are not fixing things, what do you say once you have listened?
You make a statement - called a listening statement - that is a guess about what the player thinks or feels.
If you have listened, this will be broadly right. For example if you ask a simple question like “how are you” and the player says “not great” then you simply reply with “you’re not feeling right”, leaving space for the player to talk more.
Listening statements are powerful because they contain no judgement or attempt to fix, they just show you have listened. You’re interested in what the player thinks rather than having an agenda.
Another version of this is stating something specific and positive you have noticed about the player (affirmation). For example you could point out a player always cleans up without being asked. It’s another way of showing you are interested in the player as a person without judgement
But making statements like these means the player is in control.
They may open up (“coach, things are bad at home, I’m so glad you asked...”), they might clam up (“fine thanks, you?”), or something between. However you simply stick to your curious listening and reflecting and connection builds.
Sometimes this leads to problems to solve, sometimes it’s chat about things players care about, sometimes it leads to nothing.
Reconnect
And this leads to the final point: connection can happen quickly but you need to stick at it because people change and adapt.
Keep being curiously interested and keep listening. Players learn to feel safe to say what they really think and feel, even from simple questions.
Take every chance you can to connect with honest curiousity and listening statements and you will both become and stay a trusted person in your player’s lives.
This article adapted from Chapter 7 of Coaching Athletes to Be Their Best, click here to buy a copy.